Britain's Got Talent vs Girl Power

This week, I've been half watching, Britain's Got Talent - the other half of me has watching the increasing number of cat traffic, that have been using my garden as a dating site (I mention this only as a semi-nervous, lawn owner ) Anyway, with BGT, there was one contestant, whose " talent" was just to prance around in a pair of ladies, high heels, culminating in a groin defying,dropped split. Not, sure if  this was technically an act, as it is just what most woman do everyday, of their lives. Perhaps, when a man emulates a woman - any feat he manages - becomes elevated to a higher, more meaningful accomplishment. What next - I wonder - multi-tasking, emotional accessibility...or breast feeding - now those would be a REAL TALENT. Still, I suppose walking in any woman's footsteps, is one of the biggest ACTS to follow !

50 Shades of Beige - A Searing Expose of Swinging Suburbia - Chapter 6

_{A Searing Expose of the Secret Sex Lives of the Over Fifties,}

_{in Swinging Suburbia.}

_{Part Six: Look Who's Coming To Dinner}

_{Lucinda, had finished laying everything, as she spread Angela's tasty morsels across the living room table, for their guest's pleasure. She sensed that all eyes were on her - which wasn't an unusual occurrence for Lucinda - and the atmosphere was starting to build to breaking point. So, she decided to take charge and bring some much needed relief to the evenings affair, before things got out of hand – too soon, that is. “ Right ! Now what about some fun & games to get the old ball rolling ? Who's up for a rousing game of Postman's Spank ?” There was a lot of moving bodies – still vertical at this point - in the room, but no volunteers to her suggestions. “ Well, what about a little game of Strip Charades, then ?” Lucinda, plowed though her imagination, for more fertile options.}

_{" How about, Naked Twister ?” male, no 43, threw his suggestion into the ring, as he began to remove his shirt in anticipation. “ Let's start with something a little less ...physically demanding, “ Lucinda responded, partially concerned that some of the less able bodied members of the group might not be able to disengage themselves.
“ DIRTY TOM CAT !” George erupted. 
“ I don't think I know that one. How does it go ?” Lucinda enquired. “ It's NOT a game ! I mean look at THAT, bloody, dirty Tom Cat, “ George vented his annoyance, pointing outside, through the patio doors, towards a large ginger fur-ball , half submerged in the undergrowth. “ It's, spraying all over my lovely begonia's, again ! I'll wring it's bleedin' little neck, if I catch it !” George, expressed his outrage.}

_{“ Ahhh ! Now I know how to bring out your 'wild side,' Tiger, Grrrr !” Lucinda, laughed.}

_{"Just stay clear of me roses, you hear me !” warned George.}

_{"Why, George, what's ever the matter, haven't you heard, that a cat in the hand is worth a bird in the 
bushes !”}

_{"Why don't we play musical laps ?” piped up Mrs. No 53, suddenly.}

_{George & Lucinda, turned around together, to face her. 
“ What ?” they both exclaimed.}

_{Mrs 53, stood there - in a an outfit she had created herself, it was a mix of Barbie meets the Marquis de Sade. A bright pink, short skirt, with a black leather and lace top – in the middle of the room, holding the top of one of one of the dinner table chairs, slowly rocking it, back and forth, on two of it's back legs. “ Musical Laps ! You know, it's like Musical Chairs, but when the music stops, the girls have to find a seat, occupied by a naked man, and throw themselves down on him.” she explained.}

_{" Girls ?” muttered George under his breath, “ the average age of them must be 51, at least,” he continued his private intercourse, as he tried to stifle his amusement, at such a controversial statement. Then, he crushed her dreams further, “ We only have four table chairs, they'll be a flippin' free for all !”}

_{" Well, we'll just have to rotate the women, from game to game, probably based on a first come, first served basis,” suggested Lucinda.}

_{" Great, I'll help set things up. Where's your music box ?” enquired No. 53.}

_{" Do you mean the i-pod ?” replied George.}

_{" Yes, that's what I meant, I can never remember the silly things name “}

_{" Then, I don't have one “}

_{" Oh ! “}

_{" But, I have stereo player, over there in the corner”}

_{" O.k. I'll be in charge of the music. A kind of puppet-master of excitement. I'm really good at building up the drama, in these kind of events,” No 53 modestly volunteered.}

_{She regarded herself, as something of an entertainer, singer, and aspiring actress, due to her background in public speaking, street performances and amateur dramatics. But, in all honestly,}

_{the extent of her exposure on the streets, was just as a repository for the collection money, from sympathetic on-lookers to her partners act. He was a part time, singer & guitarist -who saw himself as a cross between Chris Rea and Bob Dylan. In reality though, he was more like a cross between a Dire Straight and The Grateful Dead. No, 53, was a community worker, but had several careers in her lifetime, from knitwear model, 1970's all-girl group dancer, and telephone sex worker. The latter of which, was just a means to an end, a way to cover her arrears. She could conduct her business affairs, from the comfort of her own home. With one hand she could be sorting out her, not-as-smalls-as-they used-to-be, from the laundry basket, whilst simultaneously helping a caller out, with his sexual predilection towards Lollypop Ladies – or Traffic Management Supervisors, as they're now known as. She had freely confessed, to not really concentrating on the job to hand, and most of the time she wasn't sure if she was coming or going.}

_{" Well, Sweetie, all is set, the food looks amazing, the music is playing, and the guests are turned on...or is that vice versa. All that's left now, is for our hosts to make their grand entrance. So, you had better find that lovely woman of yours, and get her down here. Because it's time to kick this party into touch and go !” warmed Lucinda.}

_{" Looks more like scratch 'n' sniff, to me. Are you sure we haven't forgotten something ?” queried George, apprehensively.}

_{" Like what ?”}

_{" Oh, I don't know..decency, respectability....taste !”}

<sub>" Now, George, don't go turning into a prude, yet, we still have along way to go before it strikes mid-night. Just go forth and bring me the Belle of the Ball, and then we'll see some real magic, happen tonight !” Lucinda was not a woman to be taken lightly, and George was not a man to stand in her way.

lifeandfunnies.blogspot.com</sub>

50 Shades of Beige - A Searing Expose of the Secret Sex Lives of the Over Fifties

_{A Searing Expose of the Secret Sex Lives of the Over Fifties,}

_{in Swinging Suburbia.}

_{Part Five: “ Songs for Swinging Lovers”}

"Eh ? “ George's mono-syllabic reply to such a loaded question was the best he could muster. “ In the kitchen or the living-room, that's where people usually hang-out at parties, isn't it ?” Lucy followed up her line of enquiry. 
“ Oh, you mean...point you in the direction of the other guests, yes, of course you did ! ha ha,ha ! “ George laughed awkwardly. “ Well, that was the general idea, unless you have other plans for us. You cunning old dog, you, “ chided Gary.

_{"No ! Not at all, I just didn't hear you right, that's all. Look, why don't you go in here,” George opened the door to the living-room, “ ..and make yourself comfortable. Lucinda and I are finishing the final touches...” George was interrupted by Gary, “ You lucky swine, eh !”}

_{"That's not what I meant at all, please Gary, stop twisting my words. Things are hard enough for me, as it is, this evening” George pleaded.}

_{"Whoa ! there George, you don't have to brag about it, mate !” Gary replied mercilessly. George made a tactical withdraw from the dynamic duo....and Gary – leaving them to their own devices, with the other guests – and made his way back to the kitchen to check-in with his team-mate.}

_{Lucinda had been flat out – which wasn't easy for a woman of her shape – getting everything ready for serving, glasses gleaming – awaiting for the receiving of various alcoholic substances – plates piled up and interspersed with paper napkins and cutlery well polished, in fact all that remained to do, was for the transportation of wares into the party room.}

_{Lucinda pounced on him straight away, “ Okay, George, let's get this food moving, before that little lot, next door, have got themselves going. After all, if an army can't march on an empty stomach, then a rampant room of swingers, certainly can't F...”}

_{"ALRIGHT ! I get the picture ! I'll start taking the quiche and plates into the living-room, if you follow through with the sausage rolls and glasses, and then the rest should be easy,” George offered his game plan for approval.}

_{"Oooh ! I'm sure they'll be easy enough, but lets not forget the rest of the goodies.”}

_{"Ah ! Yes, those, how could I ever forget,” George hadn't forgotten, he just didn't think that this type of social gathering, with it's particular strain of guests, would be best served with a selection of “nibbles and finger-foods.
If only on the grounds of being slightly inappropriate, definitely ironic and highly unhygienic ! Still, his was not to reason why, just to serve and stand idly by – to para-phrase someone or other. Not to mention the “Dip” factor – a small number of dips, accompanied by sliced crudities and freshly popped, Pringles - which George found personally, distasteful, the very thought of the possible prospect of a double-dipping incident occurring, filled him dread.}

_{"Oh, and what have you got lined up, in the way of music, my little slipped disc, jock ?” Lucinda enquired. “ Music ? I hadn't given it, that much thought. I just assumed people would have their hands full , as it were, to notice any musical accompaniment.” George explained himself.}

_{"Darling, music is très important, in setting the mood. You can't underestimate the power of a deep vocal, or an up-lifting score with a strong rhythmic movement,” Lucinda pressed on, “ Now, what do you have in your vinyl archives ?”}

_{"Well, how about “ The Best of Barry White” or a little bit of Imagination with “ Body Talk ?”}

_{George offered.}

_{"Mmmmm ! Not bad, sweetie, But, they're just a bit passé, these days. Anything else in your arsenal ?”}

_{"What about some Hot Chocolate ?”}

_{"Hot chocolate ! that's not exactly the hot beverage we want, darling ! We want to encourage seduction not sedation !"}

_{"I meant the pop group Hot Chocolate ! You know... “ It started with a Kiss”, “ You Sexy Thing !”}

_{"Not so loud, Romeo ! If Angela over-hears you she might get the wrong idea...or perhaps the right one, eh Tiger ?” Lucinda teasingly purred.}

_{"One of these days, you're going to go to far lady, and then you'll be sorry”}

_{"Ohh ! George, Is that a threat or a promise ?”}

_{"Neither ! For the love of God, can we please just stick to the matter in hand !” George pleaded.}

_{"I can't help myself, you're so easy to wind up, and too be honest, you do keep asking for it “}

_{"NO, I DON'T! Now, how about this question of music ?” George vented his exasperation.}

_{"Well, I prefer a more classical line-up, You just cannot beat a rousing piece of Debussey, or the crème de la crème... Ravel's, Bolero ! Still, every now and then, even I, can be succumbed by Chris Issac's,'Wicked Games', do you, have anything like that ?” Lucinda pressed.}

_{"I have the William Tell Overture, if that's any good ?} 

_“ George, that's a rather impressive composition, if you think you can keep up with that tempo, Darling, then you knock yourself out. But, given the average age of our guests, my fear is that, that particular score will very likely result in the largest medical emergency this town has ever seen ! Still, play on, lover.” Lucinda left George behind, feverishly flicking through his

_archives.

<sub>To be continued.

lifeandfunnies.blogspot.com</sub>

_“

50 Shades of Beige - A Searing Sex Expose of the Over Fifties - Chapter Four

_{A Searing Expose of the Secret Sex Lives of the Over Fifties,}

_{in Swinging Suburbia.}

_{Part Four: Dumb & Dumber}

_{Crossing the hallway George gathered his thoughts and misgivings about ever agreeing to participate in this evening of mixed doubles. Through the frosted glass pane, in the upper part of the front door, he could discern a couple of figures – apparently that of Little and Large - were waiting on the porch way, outside. As he opened the door he came face-to-face - more or less – with Gary & Lucy, a lovely couple.... and Gary, wasn't too bad either. 
“ Evening there...” George wasn't quite sure, what the correct greeting etiquette was under these circumstances, “ ..glad you could both come !“ He glanced down and saw that Lucy, was in possession of a bottle of wine, “ Is that for us ? You really shouldn't have done, Lucy. We already have more than enough drink to keep us going 'til Christmas...of NEXT YEAR !”}

_{Gary reached out and shook George's hand, and leaning in towards him, he said -in a slightly conspiratorial tone - “ Hey, mate, don't forget the rules now. No names, only house numbers, it helps to keeps things simpler and a little less ...personal, makes everything... well, semi-detached, if you like. Which is kind of funny really, what with us being of semi-detached properties too. So, from now on just think of us as Mr and Mrs Number 43. Or – as it's you – just call us “ the 43's”, heh, heh, heh !” Gary amused himself – as usual. He was right, of course - thought George - this was one of the terms and conditions of the “ contract” that everyone in the group had to sign up to, before being accepted by the “ party.” The rest of the rules covered a range of guidelines, to protect and respect it's members, mainly from themselves. Referring to people as just their House Numbers, seemed one of the more reasonable ideas, after all sexual intimacy with a complete stranger is one thing, but quite a different affair when it concerns someone who you engage in social intercourse with on a regular basis. - at least to George's way of thinking, anyway. Plus, he found it of help as he didn't know half their names in the first place.}

_{Some of the other clauses included: Respecting the host's wishes wherever physically possible, no rummaging through the host's drawers – unless access granted - keep with-in the designated areas only, no photographic equipment, no shouting, no spitting, no cussing, and most important of all ... NO SMOKING ! Unless for any recuperative purposes on a pre-existing medical condition.}

"Anyway, I hope you don't mind we're a bit early, only nobody wants to get to these affairs too late, and just end up with the left-overs !” Gary explained his over-enthusiasm, to which George nodded, as if he personally understood their dilemma. Lucy, stood loyally by her man – as she always did – her body closely tight to his, both hands holding onto his arm, which was harder than it looked considering she towered above Gary's, more diminutive stature. Her vertigo inducing stiletto's didn't help the obvious height differential, but Lucy always – strangely - looked up to her man, she maintained his “big character,” made up for all his other shortcomings.

_{They had met just a few years earlier whilst attending the same adult evening swimming classes. She was drawn to his maturity, confidence, experience, and sense of humour – which consisted mainly of laughing at his own, semi-suggestive innuendo's. Whilst he was attracted to her capacity to fill out a 36” DD,}

_{bathing suit and to the fact, that she was nearly 20 years younger than himself. In an odd kind of way they seemed to compliment each other - Gary, was an out-going, keep-fit fanatic, renowned mouth-organ enthusiast, and self-confessed sex addict, whereas, Lucy, was a shy, sub-serviant, self-conscious sex object. Their shared pastimes, included re-building Gary's vintage car, spending the weekend's with Gary's children -from a former marriage - semi-amateur jive dancing, and naturism, which Lucy's parents always felt uncomfortable with whenever they were sitting in their house for dinner.}

_{Gary, had always got on well with Lucy's parents, right from the start, after all they did have a lot in common – what with being almost of the same age and all. On his first meeting with the prospective “ in-laws,” Gary, was so nervous, that he over-compensated his usual friendly manner and tried just a little too hard to impress them. The high-light of the evening being, was when Gary demonstrated how he and Lucy, could ' cut a rug ' with some of their more ambitious dance moves. On one such daring feat, Gary had swung Lucy, between his legs and then over his shoulder and then up into the air, for release. For a moment there, it was touch and go whether she was able to disentangle herself from the small ornamental coloured glass chandelier by herself, but time and gravity took that task away from her, as she came crashing down to earth. She let out a small yelp as she landed on the soft deep white carpet, covered by a amber shower of broken glass. Fortunately, there were no broken bones - just light fittings - and everybody had agreed it for the best, not to refer to 'the incident' again.} 

_{"Well, don't just stand there, come in, after all we don't want to give the neighbours a show, do we ?” laughed George nervously – truth be known, he was fearful that this would really be the case. “ Don't have to worry about that George, if I'm right half the neighbours are here anyway !,” tittered Gary, nudging George in the ribs with his elbow. Lucy stepped inside teasingly opening her long black overcoat,   revealing a long pair of black leather boots, a shameful bodysuit and a cheeky smile. George looked her up and down and then just to be sure, he looked her down and up, "yes," he thought to himself, this can mean just one thing... trouble was coming to town.  
“ So, where do want me then, George ?” Lucy finally spoke.}

<sub>To be continued..

lifeandfunnies.blogspot.com</sub>

50 Shades of Beige - The Secret Sex Lives of the Over Fifties. Part Three

_{A Searing Expose of the Secret Sex Lives of the Over Fifties,}

_{in Swinging Suburbia.}

_{Part Three – Anyone for d'oeuvres ?}

_{Like an emerging Eve, from the Garden of Eden, Angela had taken a long, hard bite on the} Cox's Pippin of awareness, and had suddenly come to the realization, that she was indeed...naked to the core. With only the flimsiest - and slightly ludicrous - of aprons, to cover her modesty and the more private areas – so long as she kept her back against the wall. There was, of course, a perfectly plausible and completely innocent reason as to why she was to be found in such a state of undress before 6pm, on a Wednesday evening. She looked at her friend, and breathed in deeply and exhaled her explanation, in a calm and rationale manner, “ Well, what with all the rushing around, and the oven on full blast, I just got really hot, sweaty...and..dirty. So, I thought if I simply removed my clothes, until I had finished with the hard stuff, then I could just have a quick wash and touch up, and be all ready for party a go-go, so to speak.” For a brief moment, Lucinda, just looked up and down at Angela, then slowly, a small smile escaped from the corners of her mouth, followed by full scale breakout of a laugh. “ Lord, Darling ! I wasn't sure if I had just walked into one of those new, reality TV cooking 

programmes...you know, like ” Ready, Steady, Fuck !" I can see it all, there you are, all oven fresh, prepared with just minimal dressing, and served up on a hot bed of desire..how simply delicious.” Angela smiled, with an undercurrent of discomfort, " Oooh ! I'm not so sure about that, Lulu, for one thing, what would MY "viewing figure" look like, on the small screen ? And, for another thing, I can't possible imagine what type of audience I'd attract."

    _{By now, George had sought solace in his second, large glass Brandy, and in-between deep, warm gulps, he tried to adopt a selective hearing, state of mind attitude - unsuccessfully. “ Alright you two, let's get this party started, shall we ?” Lucinda, began to rally her unlikely hosts, “ Now, we had better get a move on, before the peasants start revolting – which won't take much, some of them weren't that much to look at, to start with.” Lucinda playfully nudged Angela in the ribs and gave her a naughty little wink, then she suddenly noticed George's attention slipping, “ Hang on there Alco-Pop ! Easy on that fun juice there, we don't want you peaking too soon, do we ? Or at least not on your own anyway...so come over here and fill me up, too !” Lucinda offered up a recently depleted glass for attention. “ Seriously, you two, I've been to some parties where all has been lost just because of limp d'oeuvres or poor rationing of aperitifs. So, let's get a game plan in motion, shall we ?” Lucinda paused to assess the situation at hand, then asserted herself, into a Commander of Mischief position. “Right ! Angela, you get yourself up those stairs and slap on a party face, spray on a smile, and slip into some clothes ! Whilst George and I will start the balls rolling, servicing your guests...won't we handsome ?” Lucinda throw George one of her trademark playful, twinkling smiles – mercilessly teasing George had became something of}

_{a personal pleasure of hers, she loved seeing how far she could push him, before he finally snapped out of his comfort zone - usually - followed by one of his trademark, funny, frustrated out-bursts.}

_{Angela left her co-conspirators behind - as she made her way upstairs to make herself presentable – and hoped they could put their differences behind them, even if it was only a temporary association. She sat down, in-front of the dressing table mirror, trying to revive her hair with emergency volumising resuscitation techniques. Angela knew she could trust them not be at one another's throat, but her fear was that they might not play with each other -in a constructive manner. It only plagued her thoughts – as she gently tonged her ends – because of the intense pressure to make this evening a success - which has to said, that she had largely put on herself. The George and Lucinda dynamic, had long been a part of her life, over the years, and it had certainly seen it's fair share of ups and downs.}

_{But -she felt - that recently there had been some kind of ceasefire in rivalry, if only due to the fact that they tried to keep their contact with each other, down to a minimum, and if they did happen to find themselves appearing in the same social circles, then an unofficial policy of non-interference, would be observed.}

_{Angela, began to wonder what exactly she had let herself in for, and if she was really prepared – both physically and emotionally – for this particular, specialized type of entertaining . Until now, the largest body that she had, had a hand in, was the All Ladies Badminton – Singles and Doubles – Gala Fundraising Rally. Which was – by all intents and purposes -a glowing success, Angela, was hailed as the driving force behind it, and received a Golden Shuttlecock, in recognition of all her services. But, tonight was a completely different affair, and doubt was starting to creep into her heart and mind – if she really had it in her, the strength and the experience, to host this kind of sexual soiree. Until now, Angela had been busy submersing herself in all the preparations, the invitations, the planning, the execution, all the details of arranging the perfect social event – but without really considering the human aspects...the sex-factor !}

_{As she sat there - on the end of her bed - pondering what lay ahead, she thought about her marriage, about George, and how they had arrived in this place. But, even before she began to travel down memory lane, she was interrupted by someone banging away... at the front door, it appeared that another of their guests had arrived.}