Election versus Football - the Final

_{Election Final - Round-up}

_{Every now and then – on the televised news programmes - I keep hearing the “E” word bandied about , usually nestled between the ever growing human tragedy stories, the fiscal crisis of the day and even the funny – semi-animal – based, roundup skit. Basically, just about anything, that is even the least, vaguely bit more...interesting. I don't believe that I am alone with this feeling, just look at the ever decreasing turnouts for the last couple of general elections. Perhaps it's down to the fact that we – as a nation – consign ourselves with the acceptance that whoever wins, things will generally, remain pretty much the same. Or, maybe we're simply tired of the constant fear mongering, political assassinations, and the negative policy posturing of all the concerned parties. It doesn't help that this year, the candidates all seem a little, how shall I say this..”Flaky,” it's not so much a case of the Good, the Bad and the Ugly, but more the Posh, the Weak and the Geeky – then there's the also ran, the Green side, the Celtic side and the Dark side. But, I have an idea how to combat this political malaise...how about this, “ The Political League Tables !” We take politics and mix liberally with the greatest male passion of all FOOTBALL – after all there are a lot of similarities between these two activities. I can just see it all now – in my mind's eye, anyway.}

_{Political Pundit 1: “ Here we are, at last ! This years election final , it's a game of two halves, and the last - remaining, standing - two main parties.”}

_{Political Pundit 2: “ Yes, It's been a long few months, and we've seen our fair share of tears, tantrums and political broadcasts.”}

_{Political Pundit 1: “ Well, they've kicked off now.... and that's just the back-benches. The Prime Minister has started to push his Bill through the Commons, and just listen to how he's managing to do some pretty fast, side stepping, from the Oppositions, more tricky questions”}

_{Political Pundit 2: “ We're definitely seeing a class action here, just look at how he deflects attention from the Bill's human rights shortcomings.”}

_{Political Pundit 2: “ What a tackle from the Opposition Party ! Bringing up the Government's, embarrassing history on this issue.”
Political Pundit 1: " Yes, they have always been weak on that front. But at least they've tightened their left wing, this election. It was a real threat to their running last year ! 
Political Pundit 2: " True, they came very close to relegation back then, and they really need another term in order to consolidate their position.}

_{Political Pundit 1: “ I know, but I can see the P.M has come along way, and his Party Whip is right behind him. He may have enough support from his Party, to actually reach his goal, Just so long as....”}

_{Political Pundit 2: “ Oh No ! What a foul ! I do not believe it ! What a time for one of the Government's own team to be accused of Cash for Access ! It couldn't have come at a worse time ! ”}

_{Political Pundit 1: “ Absolutely, and there's been a strong follow through by the opposition, with accusations of a possible sex-scandal, by someone in the cabinet itself !”}

_{Political Pundit 2: “ Things are certainly hotting up now. The pressure from the Tabloids, are starting to have an affect on the Government's poll ratings and now I read, that they have just lost one of their Ministers, to the "other side.”}

_{Political Pundit 1: “ But, wait ! They think it's all over ! But, the Opposition has just announced that they will NOT be cutting taxes if they win this election !”}

_{Political Pundit 2 : “ The Government's making a last minute push, as they shoot the Bill over to the Lords for passing.”}

_{Political Pundit 1: “ Nothing can stop them now ! This Bill could be their final Act of the season – all they have to do now is hold their course and...”}

_{Political Pundit 2: “ No ! Wait, the Speaker has intervened and he's holding up a White Paper...”}

_{I think this might just catch on, and I'm sure all the M.P's would vote for the same fees as the footballers, unopposed as usual.}

Partly Political Broadcast - It;s Beginning to Look a Lot Like an Election

As we enter the final throes of the political race for power - or least a well hung position - I offer
my outlook on the whole scene, with a song, based on the Christmas classic, " It;s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas,"

It's Beginning to look a lot like an Election
Ev'rywhere you go;
Take a look in all the papers reporting on
party capers
With promises we know they'll blow.

It's beginning to look a lot like an Election,
Political groups in ev'ry town,
But the funniest sight to see is all the baby kissing
Till camera's are down.

A load of old grass roots and photo shoots
Is the wish of Davey and Ed;
Renegade MP's that will not walk and talk
Is the hope of a Party Head;
And voters can hardly wait to put the whole damn thing
to bed.

It's beginning to look a lot like an Election
Ev'rywhere you go;
There's a party for you and you, with just a shared policy
or two,
And don't forget the latest coalition to sow.

It's beginning to look a lot like an Election:
Soon the polls will start,
And the thing that will make them count
Is how many of us will turn out
And that's all I can impart.

  

A Fatal - Fairground - Attraction

_{A Fatal – Fairground - Attraction}

_{This week, my nearby park has been invaded by the arrival of new age travellers – see old English translation for “Gypsies” -and their Funfare. I have many nostalgic memories, filled with excitement and wonder, at the advent of these annual carnivals. They temporarily, transformed the local recreational ground – that forgotten piece of wasteland - a muddy, unclaimed piece of land, a municipal graveyard to abandoned cars of yester-year and the unwanted, deathtrap, refridgerators, poor on facilties, rich in imagination - into a magical kingdom of colour, light, music -with accompanying generators - and the promise of possible danger. It was an escape to another world, a different level of existence, it was.....a chance to meet girls ! Although given my socially, crippling shyness in those formative years – the only hot dish I was likely to walk home with, was a Jumbo Hot-Dog, with extra ketchup...but, never mustard !}

_{Then, there were the rides, the speed, the height, the violent turns and of course the gravitational forces... a complete sensory overload. Nowadays though, my perception has changed somewhat. I'm still attracted to the idea of going to the fair, the sights and sounds, not too mention the candyfloss, but the rides not so much. These days, I tend to avoid any ride, which results in the rearranging of my bodily organs – like transplanting my stomach into the area formly occupied by my mouth – or from the attractions where I find myself literally, in an alternating head over heels position , on a semi-spin cycle. 
One of these guilty parties, is the infamous, 
“ Wall of Death,” this particular cardiac therapy - masquerading as a form of entertainment - uses the forces of centrifuge to paste it's patrons to the interior sides, so you become little more than a human wall-hanging. The basic principle of this whole “barrel of fun”, is that it rotates at such a speed, that anybody on the inside, are held in a temporarily state of gravity defying, suspension. Once this has been achieved, the floor suddenly drops away, leaving you in the precarious predicament, where your body is frozen still, while your mind is screaming it's brains out ! Then there are the “others,” those who have decided to share this experience, along with you – strangers bound together by manufactured fear. I remember one such time, where I ran a cursory glance around my wall of neighbors. The mouthy teenager, proceeding me, to my left side, had taken the bold but stupid, in my opinion, decision to throw caution - and any small change in his pockets – to the wind, and adopt a hand-stand position for the duration of this event. Thus, doubling my ever growing concern of being spun around like a cheap jumper in a spin dryer, with the real, possible danger, of receiving his dirty, great, size “9 in my “kisser” - upon his dismount !}

_{Then, I turned the other way and “ staked out” the youth to my preceding, right hand-stand, and became anxiously aware – as the ride commenced – that he was displaying the usual warning signs – slackening of neck muscles and slight discoloration of the upper-body and face area - of someone who was about to involuntarily, but forcibly, eject the contents of his bowels. Since my proximity was extremely close to my unknown, potential benefactor, I regarded myself to be in another high risk category. Fortunately, at the end, we had all managed to keep our composure and any recently digested materials, to ourselves.}

_{Now, I'm not a medical person, but even I can tell, that it takes me, 3 x times as long as it used to - in order to regain my equilibrium and use of my legs. These days, I just seem to be more susceptible to inertia forces and their embarrassing after effects. I'm not sure if i'm experiencing a sudden, unexpected endorphin rush, an extreme release of adrenalin or the on-set of a mild heart attack, whenever these rides reach the zenith of their duration. So, I have to come to the conclusion – sadly - that my days as a thrill seeker will have to be either curtailed or perhaps tempered with a concoction of motion sickness medication and Valium.}

_{Now, anyone for for the Dodgems ?}

My Life....Clothes Maketh the Man...Choices Maketh the Consumer - Repeat

I feel like I'm starring in that film, you know the one...."Groundhog Day," as this year still follows the last one's, fashion tragedy, For yet another of my - ever decreasing - men's clothing outlet stores, having ceased trading this month. It is now, no longer a simple case of paranoia, my life as a fashion conscious consumer, really IS being made redundant.
 I can't help but feel, that I am slowly and systematically, facing imminent exile from those glitzy, modern studio style stores, with their trendy, urban ranges at competitive prices, adorning my much beloved high streets. Soon, my only refuge will be the small, independent, old school, men's tailoring establishments, with their collection of ageless - see: haven't changed in the last 30 years - tweed suits and heavy corduroy trousers at exorbitant prices, that haunt the narrow back passages of male couture.
  I'm not sure who - exactly -is to blame for this sad state of wears, is it simply the calculated machinations of clothing manufactures/fashion houses to "weed out" the slightly less frequent male buyer from their stores. Or, is it the rise of the dreaded European sizes, which transforms a normal, everyday, medium type fellow, into a gargantuan, misshapen lost soul, that walks amongst us, as a regenerated XXL statistic -to para-phrase, "One small step for a medium, one giant leap for euro-conversions." Either way, I have now, finally. reached the end of my tether, not to mention size options.
 I have a secret fear, that one day, I will trigger off some sort of special security alarm, as I actually ENTER one of these modern man's temple of fashion. Upon which, a store detective will approach me, taking my arm, he discreetly asks that most embarrassing of questions, " Excuse me sir, but can you provide any form of identity, to prove that you are not over thirty years old. Also, I have reason to believe that you may be in possession of a waistline exceeding 34 inches ?" With this, he escorts us both - myself & the Marks & Spencer's man I'm destined to become - out of the building !.
   Men's age and size, seem to be something of  an issue for stores. They just simply don't know how to address us, I can only conclude that our - yesterdays modern men - fashionable needs,desires,style must be a complete mystery to the fashion world. As we are so woefully overlooked, in all areas couture, consigned to just two just two tailoring options, either the " High and Mighty" or the " Done and Dusted."
  " LOOK HERE MALE CLOTHING MANUFACTURERS ! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH !" I am drawing a line in the sand, I am drawing in my waistline. It's about time that you took the real measure of a man, along with his hopes and desires to be regarded as a sharp dressed individual, regardless of age and stature. Just, see what is left in all of your sales, NOT the XXL sizes, NO it is the XXS - what sort of ridiculous size is that anyway, exactly ? So, maybe you should re-evaluate who your customers are and more importantly, what are their actual body shapes/sizes ? A size 40 inch chest is NOT - until now - an XXL, if it is, then I fear for the future of, not only the more discerning, mature male consumer, but for the way the fashion industry as a whole, sees the shape of things to come in men's clothing..

Men's Shopping, Bank Holidays, One Direction - and all that jazz

I am just recovering from a minor case of Bank Holiday syndrome. This is a condition, that seems to affect a large number of the population - at any given time, on any given public holiday. The symptoms vary slightly, but the outcome always remains the same....queues. stress and chaos !
   At first, a delusional state sets in, that this or that, is a "Great idea" and that no-one else has ever thought of it before. It's as if, that part of the human mind, that governs reason and sanity is seasonally anesthetized and in it's place a false sense of relationship, zen-like fulfillment and harmonious travel arrangements, are all that remain. The second stage of this affliction, is a fevered belief that we must travel afar - usually gravitating towards some large body of water or major shopping complex - in order to fully enjoy, this or that, family event..
  But, to anyone who has spent - at least - three times the usual travelling times to reach their cherished destination, due to the heavy traffic presence, confused drivers panicking over which lane they should be in - and invariably making their ill-formed decision right in-front of you, at the last moment -  or the many, unexpected, inescapable work closures.We all know - deep down - that these things are all a universal truth, but some of us, the lucky few, have managed to develop anti-holiday bodies, to stave off this common, social malady.
  Anyway, I digress, during one such public holiday sojourn, it came to my attention, just how imperative it is for men, that we be served with a good wi-fi service in stores. I mean, what else are we supposed to do, while we stand there - feeling self-consciously guilty - lurking suspiciously by the ladies changing rooms. In order to avoid eye-contact with other male, passive purchasers and not to impede the odd, lady customer, access to the changing rooms, we desperately need something to keep our hands - and our minds - busy. We move furtively, from foot to foot, staring with semi-dead eyes at our mobiles, fingers twitching, opposable thumbs really proving their x-factor. I think the retail industry are missing out on quite a big market here. They should target blogs/web-sites and all other social media's with a specialized advertising campaign, aimed purely for the male market - after all we do still,physically represent 50% of purchasers, don't we ? - at these special times. This seems a prime time to catch us at our most vulnerable, with spiritual pants down and hand-held devices high, a captured audience, so to speak, Remember - you heard it here first, Michael sales guru - available for private consultations and open to all reasonable offers .
  Finally, I couldn't help but notice, that some of the shops were off-loading One-Direction merchandise, with 20% off...I guess there's no business like....