The Avengers - TV series - Homage

Opening scene, Steed and Emma speeding along a quiet, country road, The Bentley's engine roaring as smoothly as the driver, himself,  Autumn leaves were sent flying wildly behind them, in their slipstream.

Emma: “This had better be serious, Steed ! After all, it's not everyday that I get given free backstage tickets, to see the great opera singer, Loosey Fatalottie. Up close and personal, so to speak”

Steed: “ Serious, Mrs Peel ? I'm always serious, especially when it comes to affairs of the state”

Emma: “ Well, Fatalottie is a big act to follow, Steed, and I was really looking forward to it!

Steed: “ I do feel bad about abducting you away from a night of musical accompaniment.

I might not be able to match the big fellow, but I could stretch to raising you “Three Tenners !”

Emma: “ Oh, Ha Ha ! So, what is so urgent, that needs our immediate attendance ?”

Steed: “ Ah ! Well, it seems that the entire population of a sleepy little village in Surrey, have...completely....vanished into thin air.”

Emma: “ Missing persons or mass migration ? Either way, shouldn't this be more a police matter, than ours ?”

Steed: “ Normally, I'd agree with you, Mrs Peel. But, it just so happens, that this particular village

is situated rather close to a Hush-Hush Secret Energy Research Facility. Currently, conducting completely deniable experiments, in highly unstable, static electric waves”

Emma: “ Sounds, positively hair-raising ! I take it, that the popular theory is one of connection. But, one thing that I don't understand is, how that I haven't heard anything about this, through the press already ?”

Steed: “ Ah ! Stroke of luck there ! It's the football World Cup right now, and the press machine is in full patriotic fervor. In this last week, there have been several military coups – various regions – a small number, of very close international disasters, a couple of near miss aircraft collisions, a few minor earthquakes and one island has been utterly destroyed by an erupting volcano. All of which, have been pushed back for reporting at a later time, space and by-lines willing, til after the game”

Emma: “ My, my ! So, was there any good news, that I may have missed, this week ?”

Steed: “ Yes, of course Mrs Peel ! Dwayne Foolney, England's most experienced player, has been cleared as “ Match fit” for the next game !”

Emma: “ Hmmm ! I thought you said there was some “Good” news, this week, Steed ?”

                                                 A Tribute to Brian Clemens

Brian Clemens  OBE (30 July 1931 – 10 January 2015)

The scriptwriter and producer Brian Clemens, responsible for TV hits such as The Avengers, New Avengers and The Professionals

Steed: “A glorious day for a drive in the country, don't you think, Mrs Peel ? ”

Emma: “ It would be, if this was just a casual jaunt for pleasure, Steed. But, since you have shanghaied me - no doubt, for some nefarious purpose or other - I find this more a pleasant diversion than an idyllic escape.

Steed: “ Ahh ! Mrs Peel how can one be so skeptical ? ”

Emma: “ Mmm ! A lot of practice ? “

Steed: “ Well, just for that I might not introduce you to Sir Digby Hampton-Smallpiece,”

Emma: “And what exactly is a Hampton-Smallpiece, when it's at home ? “

Steed: “ You'll find it under just about everyone of note, in the latest book of Who's Who. A very respected old family, an emerging force in the political world, a man of high moral regard for his charitable ways and apparently, something quite big in the city “

Emma: “ How often a girl has heard that claim ! Wait a moment, something seems to be coming to mind. Isn't that the fellow who was reported to have two young ladies...”

Steed: “ ...Ahem ! nothing was ever proven, and the evidence presented, didn't stand up in court”

Emma: “ Ohh ! That ones too easy “

Steed: “ The legal system and his peers have accepted his explanation of – admittedly – the somewhat bizarre set of circumstances leading to his unwanton social exposure. Anyway, he's put all that behind him, now, and he has thrown himself, whole heartedly, into his charity work and Benefit Balls. It's unfortunate but sometimes, Mrs Peel, it just so happens that a man in his position attracts a certain amount of notoriety ..”

Emma: “ Remind me, Steed ! Just what , was that position he was caught in, actually called, again ? “

Steed: “ I'd prefer to tell you about his Benefit Balls, and our suspicion that “Top Hush-Hush, Don't Repeat This to Anyone” information is being passed over to enemies of the state, under the pre-text of these high-society, social advancement, tax-deductible shindigs.”

Emma: “ So, where do I come into this little scheme of yours ? “

Steed: “ You, Mrs Peel ! Why you're a natural social butterfly, you can dance your way around the floor, you can weave your magic of beauty & charm with the deadliest of fandagos', whilst eliciting the kind of information that most seasoned agents would die for ! “

Emma: “ The last time you took me dancing, I ended up with that drunken, clumsy, over-weight,over-friendly, Russian operative, that you were investigating “

Steed: “ Oh yes ! But you have to admit that he was very quick in the quick step, he seemed quite foxy in the fox step and – at times - surprisingly light on his feet ! “

Emma: “ He may have been light on HIS feet....but certainly NOT MINE ! “

Steed: “ Well, anyway, he spoke very highly of you, quite flattering infact “

Emma: “ Hmmm ! You accused him of being OVERLY friendly – if I remember correctly – what was it that you called him ? Wasn't it the “ Syncopated Sycophant “

Steed – gentle laughs - “ Really ? I was on good form that day, wasn't I ?”

Emma: “ Well, if I'm to give you the benefit of my feet, then at least I get to call this case – and I name this file..” the philandering philanthropist “

TV Chefs – Behind the Scenes

Well, another New Year is well and truly on it's way, and at last we can leave behind us, all the festive food and drink indulgences, along with the traditional, self-promoting TV chefs and their ever-expanding TV specials, bestowing how we can get the most out of the “Big Bird” - no, I'm not talking about young cousin Gemma..

  All the usual culprits were on our screens, ready with their own individual presentations – to show us how we can crank up the pressure and raise our expectations even higher than last year – for a day already festooned with presents and crammed with every known member of the family, within a reasonable driving distance .

Of course, I appreciate that they do serve a purpose – along with promoting their personal book sales..available soon in most low end, discount book stores, nationwide for around a fiver – with a few interesting tips and a thought of ratings in their eyes, they cheerfully extol helpful advice about their seasonal servings, and satiate our food pains for at least half an hour in the prime-time TV schedules. It's just one small, constantly, overlooked detail, which causes my blood to rise to the boil ( regular heat ), and that is....who exactly does all that washing up ?

  There must be a mountainous pile of crockery, utensils, assorted straining devices, measuring implements, not too mention those damnable, neverending pots and pans, lurking, somewhere in the background – because my friends, the one thing a chef NEVER TELLS you about is, that EVERYTHING you use, will need to be boiled, scrubbed, cleaned, dryed, polished and then stored away, after you have enjoyed your FIVE whole minutes of culinary pleasure !

  Yes ! behind every TV/Celebrity chef, there is their little “Dirty” secret – the unspoken legion, behind all these new stars blazing – or rather flambaying – their way into your kitchen and onto your bookshelves, mascarading as “light entertainment.” It is, to these individuals with their cockney charm, or their bullish air interspersed with coarse language and even those who stare coyly and seductively at you, down the lens of the camera, all slyly veiled around a cooking based format – that I charge with gross neglection and denial of duty, in such a fundamental role in the cooking process.

I speak out for the masses of forgotten people, who end up in the kitchen, alone, after the dinner party, bending over a hot sink, wearing a pair of Marigolds one size too small, trying to stare out of a steamed up window ! I know, for I am one of those people ! But, I have taken my years of personal experience and finally, have written my own book, a tome which has unified all the myths of responsible recycling, turns the tide against water displacement, it exposes the ratio of detergents and their performances against varying temperatures, explores the known practices of removing grease without the aid of sulphuric acid, as well as listing the natural order of breakables and finally, reveals the equations of just how many kitchen paper towels – will one sheet really be enough – will be required for the task and which ones will provide maximum absorption to soak up the small puddle of sweat you're now standing in ?

I have called this all encompassing volume, this long awaited, thinking man's O.C.D of cleaning and the virtues of using a leading brand of washing up liquid ....”The FAIRY of Everything ! *”

* I appreciate the relevance of this blog will date rather quick, so I use Stephen Hawking as a point of reference. You should read his book too,although he doesn't cover all that much about charred roast trays.