TV Chefs – Behind the Scenes

Well, another New Year is well and truly on it's way, and at last we can leave behind us, all the festive food and drink indulgences, along with the traditional, self-promoting TV chefs and their ever-expanding TV specials, bestowing how we can get the most out of the “Big Bird” - no, I'm not talking about young cousin Gemma..

  All the usual culprits were on our screens, ready with their own individual presentations – to show us how we can crank up the pressure and raise our expectations even higher than last year – for a day already festooned with presents and crammed with every known member of the family, within a reasonable driving distance .

Of course, I appreciate that they do serve a purpose – along with promoting their personal book sales..available soon in most low end, discount book stores, nationwide for around a fiver – with a few interesting tips and a thought of ratings in their eyes, they cheerfully extol helpful advice about their seasonal servings, and satiate our food pains for at least half an hour in the prime-time TV schedules. It's just one small, constantly, overlooked detail, which causes my blood to rise to the boil ( regular heat ), and that is....who exactly does all that washing up ?

  There must be a mountainous pile of crockery, utensils, assorted straining devices, measuring implements, not too mention those damnable, neverending pots and pans, lurking, somewhere in the background – because my friends, the one thing a chef NEVER TELLS you about is, that EVERYTHING you use, will need to be boiled, scrubbed, cleaned, dryed, polished and then stored away, after you have enjoyed your FIVE whole minutes of culinary pleasure !

  Yes ! behind every TV/Celebrity chef, there is their little “Dirty” secret – the unspoken legion, behind all these new stars blazing – or rather flambaying – their way into your kitchen and onto your bookshelves, mascarading as “light entertainment.” It is, to these individuals with their cockney charm, or their bullish air interspersed with coarse language and even those who stare coyly and seductively at you, down the lens of the camera, all slyly veiled around a cooking based format – that I charge with gross neglection and denial of duty, in such a fundamental role in the cooking process.

I speak out for the masses of forgotten people, who end up in the kitchen, alone, after the dinner party, bending over a hot sink, wearing a pair of Marigolds one size too small, trying to stare out of a steamed up window ! I know, for I am one of those people ! But, I have taken my years of personal experience and finally, have written my own book, a tome which has unified all the myths of responsible recycling, turns the tide against water displacement, it exposes the ratio of detergents and their performances against varying temperatures, explores the known practices of removing grease without the aid of sulphuric acid, as well as listing the natural order of breakables and finally, reveals the equations of just how many kitchen paper towels – will one sheet really be enough – will be required for the task and which ones will provide maximum absorption to soak up the small puddle of sweat you're now standing in ?

I have called this all encompassing volume, this long awaited, thinking man's O.C.D of cleaning and the virtues of using a leading brand of washing up liquid ....”The FAIRY of Everything ! *”

* I appreciate the relevance of this blog will date rather quick, so I use Stephen Hawking as a point of reference. You should read his book too,although he doesn't cover all that much about charred roast trays.